I Want Somebody to Love

A few weeks back (or maybe less) I discovered something interesting about myself which I think makes me feel a lot more self value for myself. Thinking back to the days where I was with my parents still, I was always with my Mom and the times I valued most were the quiet times like when we were sitting watching TV together on the couch or on a mission grocery shopping. I was fanatically loyal to my mother and I still deeply love her, so it was thinking on this, in a point of loneliness now, that I discovered something key about what I want from life.

I don't really care if anyone loves me. I don't. I can say that with full honesty and I honestly do get surprised when people say they care about me. "Why?" I wonder. It's not that I hate myself or anything - it's that I'm an introvert and I live with an inwards turned mentality, so while I'm damn rough with myself, I do love myself too. Thus, I honestly do not care if people say they love me or not. Frankly, it might freak me out if anyone said they did. What I want from life, is not for somebody to love me, but for ME to have somebody to love and pour my love into. Somebody who I can hug ambush when they come in the door, who doesn't mind me snuggling up beside them like a dog while they play video games. Somebody who takes care of me when I'm sick and who I can take care of when they are sick. Somebody who I can share things with like food and have experiances with. I want a life partner, a pack mate. I just want somebody to love.

I think the fact that I don't dress nicely 'like a girl' actually says a lot about how much I value my own soul. I don't want people to like me because I look nice. I would rather not have a man stare at my breasts, thank you very much. He can go to hell if he does. I want people to value me for my spirit and love me for my mind - nothing else. (Well maybe if they notice I dressed differently one day I don't mind that or if they noticed a change in my hair, that's fine.) If I catch somebody staring at my ass, I will slap them across the face. I value who I am - NOT what I look like. That's self worth. Looking nice is a survival mechanism yes, and a powerful one, but I don't give a crap about it. I don't want any people nagging me about this or ranting at me about why I should care. No. I'm a human with the wild soul of a wolf. If I like you, you know it without knowing what I look like. Hell, I don't even know what I look like most of the time! I don't pay attention! But seriously, don't look at my boobs. Just don't. And don't call me shapeless or flat chested either, even in teasing. I'm the only person who is allowed to judge my anatomy. Period. If I say I'm scrawny (which I frequently do, quite proudly) you're allowed to call me scrawny, but don't call me anything that I haven't first called myself. I'm proud alright? Being poor has made me this way - and I'm proud of that!

For the record, I do think I have a nice body, it's just not on the top of my priorities list - never has been and never will. (This gets to be a problem sometimes when it comes to health, but I am doing better these days with that....)

I want somebody to love, who might love me and we can have a dog together, go on awesome road trips and go hiking all the time.

(I fucking want a huge dog. German shepherd or husky. I don't want another cat. I want a DOG! Copernicus' next sibling will be a DOG! I am hopeful!)