360 in Life?

As some of you may know, I recently went through Capilano University's Commercial Animation program and trained to become an animator. However, despite my qualification, I have decided not to go into that field and in fact, I don't draw art for other people anymore unless I should so choose to. I just don't like it. When I draw something, I'm putting part of my soul onto paper. I can't sell my soul. It hurts, which is why I do not plan on going into the animation industry. Instead, I'm considering going back to where I started, the first dream I ever had, even before I became a writer and which for years, was my life's plan - until high school came and I chickened out because of terrible math skills.



My dream as a kid was to become a wildlife biologist and study wolves. As a kid, I likely watched more National Geographic and Kratt's Kreatures than I did cartoons, despite my aptitude for art and animation. I had and still do have, a passion for large predators. In late elementary school, I became a Chief Scout under the guidance of Scouter Dean Trumbley, a biologist who taught me pretty much everything I know about survival. Because of this man, this god of the forest, I learned to track, orienteer, avoid bears and I gained an understanding for survival in the wild. I loved it. I can rant for hours about how my life in 1st Pleasant Valley scout troop was perfection and to me because it was. It's very likely that those two years in 1st PV will always be the best ones of my life, just because I had such amazing people to work with. We were the perfect team. In fact, in Scouting competitions, my troop never lost. Whenever I put my uniform on, just in remembrance of those beautiful days, I feel like I'm touching something sacred or brushing a very happy past. I can still recall our decisive shout of "One, two, three - FIRST PV!" at Scoutvivor, which we won by a landslide. Running through the brush at Dean's heels enroute to the canoe lake and seeing Labrador Tea growing was one of the greatest things I have ever done. I felt powerful. I wonder if we all did.

In recollection, I think what killed my dream of being a biologist was simple stupid fear. I took an easy path, despite knowing somewhat that it probably wouldn't work. I remember sitting in animation, first day and wondering what the hell I was getting myself into. I have never told anyone this. It was not a waste though; I would not be the artist that I am now without animation. I grew in leaps and bounds creatively thanks to it and I will always be forever grateful to Capilano. It's the best animation school in North America. (And that's not an entirely bias opinion either.)



What was I afraid of? Well, here's the truth; the dead, true truth. I'm extremely stupid when it comes to math. Ask me to do a complicated math problem and I feel like I'm drowning in impossibly deep water with no surface in sight. Even if I do do the equation right, my answers often turn out to be wrong, no matter how hard I try. There has been many a math multiple choice quiz where I have simply picked at random the answers, because I had no idea how to actually come to them despite all training and assistance. Math leaves me helpless, foundering for salvation which is not there - and for some daft, definitely retarded reason, advanced math skills are required for a person to become a biologist.

I will never understand why educational systems insist so on having math in school lessons past Grade 8; since leaving high school, I have never done any math more complicated than basic elementary Grade 5 level. It is clear to me at least, that any math above Grade 8 is torturing children for no reason. I think math has its place. I think it should stay in the curriculum, but only as an elective past Grade 8. I will also never understand what math has to do with biology - science. Today, a marine biologist who had been a professor for 40 years at UBC came and told me that he has never used math at all in his studies. He said it was a shame I gave up my dream of becoming a biologist like him; he actually said I would have been good.



So, what I'm wondering now is if I should turn around and go back to my original dream. I probably can't make money off of my art and creative writing is still a hobby more than an occupation. Shall I dip my feet back into the water of Canada's educational system and get my proverbial paws wet again? At this point I don't know. The challenge of how I left math in 10th grade remains an obstacle as steep as Mt. Everest between me and this potential goal. I am stupid at math. It frustrates me and hurts me. I have rarely ever been happy doing math and have more often then not gotten extremely angry doing it, just because of my own helplessness. This is the truth, yet on the other hand, I know that my spirit is pointing me back to the wild. Wildlife biology may just be what I was always meant for, if the little girl watching National Geographic and the Chief Scout have anything to say about it. I excel at retaining knowledge pertaining to animals (my mother called my mind a 'sponge' for information) and as a scout, I was Patrol Leader, the alpha female of the pack. Biology, the science of living things, impregnates my writing. In the wilderness I have charisma. It is the only place where I ever stop being the bumbling omega kid with the mild speech impediment.

Shall I go back to where I started from? The road would be long and full of danger, both mathematical and otherwise. I might actually have to learn how to intelligently communicate, which I'm not altogether sure I can do. When I speak, words often get lost on the way to my mouth unless my brain is absolutely, passionately into what I am trying to say. I think far faster than I can speak.

I don't yet know what to do, but I can feel my future reforming itself. There is hope. I am only twenty and if there is anything I may be certain of in this life, is that I can hear the Call of the Wild. Perhaps not studying wolves, but any big predator, any interesting beast would do. I think I could do that. I think I could work to save the beasts that I love, which have been so prosecuted by our peculiar kind.

Just some thoughts.