Post title probably doesn't make any sense. I figured that since I'm feeling particularly odd right now, I should describe it;
I want to do something, but I'm not sure what and I'm indecisive. I should be working on EB, but I'm indecisive about that, because I have no inspiration, yet I don't have any inspiration to go do something which would get me inspired. Meanwhile, despite the lovely, floppy cat that's laying beside me, being cute, soft and undeniably bitey, I feel lonely and I think that's where my problem lies. The wolf in my soul is whining too pitifully for company for me to pay attention to work, yet there's nobody right now who can make the wolf stop crying! It's times like this that being asexual probably hurts the most. I can't find a mate like most people can. I'm not interested in the act of mating and I have no desire for children (I'm afraid of childbirth - I really respect those who aren't, but seriously, nothing is ever going to stop me being afraid of it or the terrifyingness that is breast feeding *shudder*) and as well as that, it's not in my instinct to dress in a way that would attract anybody, much less the opposite sex (I'd rather LARP in full armour than wear a low cut dress.) I don't want a mate, not really, I just want somebody to love who loves me back and isn't interested in that stupid kinky nonsense that drives 'normal' people. All I want to do is snuggle up like a cat, but am I going to get that? No. Probably not. There are less asexuals in the world than any other type of 'sexual.' I don't get why the world has to run on sex. Why can't it all just be platonic, like puppies?
Well, I'd make a good dog.
I suppose the only thing to do is kick myself out the door and try to find something inspiring to do, even if all I end up doing is drawing in my sketchbook and ferreting out some fine chocolate at Whole Foods, while wondering while I don't take much interest in the real world around me. It's a bit terrible. Whenever I want to go hiking, I end up not doing it because I'd be forced to do it alone and well, you know - that sucks!
Here's hoping I can someday adapt to this lonely existence.
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The world runs on sex because animals have the natural desire to reproduce. Those of us who don't have it are 'weird' (yes that includes me, I may not be asexual but I have NO desire for reproduction) and abnormal. There are those out there who share your disdain for sex, and maybe one day you'll find one. If you never go out and meet people, it's going to be pretty tricky :)
ReplyDeleteI've been in one of those jaded, uninspirational slumps since Jan 2010 and am only now getting out of it and back to creative work. Don't scorn yourself a break now and again!
ReplyDeleteThe ace lifestyle can feel pretty ascetic sometimes and it can really suck when one finds it impossible to unearth like-minded individuals. I used to pine around a lot but after about a decade of it and all the mental health struggles associated with it, I've given up on the idea of life partners, or even close (as in physical proximity and complimentary mentality) friends. I have way too many personal eccentricities to expect anyone to tolerate, hehe!
I hear you on the aversion to attractive dresswear and the whole reproductive process. Culture subjects us constantly to sexual advertisement and expectation. It became such a burden on me, I evacuated myself into an almost absolute isolation. Here on this back-o-beyond island, independence is key to, well not happiness exactly, but a sort of stability lacking in the stresses that arise from unfulfilled social demands and overexposure to sexuality.
If you feel like sharing and involving yourself more with the ace way, you can check out www.asexuality.org and see if it helps any. There's a forum and a chat room for aces. Alternatively, I'm around if you'd like a chat.