I know, weird title and I don't think it refers to any lack of creativity because I have just as many ideas as usual but to my frustration at being stuck in one place, proverbially and physically. Being stuck at home this past month hasn't really felt like being home because I've been near constantly working my nonexistent tail off on ramping up my portfolio for a job and now that that's done and I've sent that portfolio to perspective animation studios, I feel like a car that's stuck idling at an intersection, waiting for a green light to go. Worse, I didn't tell my family that I was getting on this proverbial car (of quitting my job so that I could get an animation job) so though I'm stressed about waiting for my damned green light, I can't talk to the two people that I really want to talk to about it - my parents, the people I want most to please. This fear leads me into calling them far less than I should (considering my cat just died and I'm still a bit unstable because of that) and then I start procrastinating. Procrastinating is something which I am extremely talented at. You can name any activity and I will procrastinate about it, from pleasurable things like hiking (which I really should go do, considering I haven't really gotten off of my ass all month) to responding to comments and emails to unpleasant stuff like banking. I'm a world class procrastinator and when I procrastinate, I get depressed, which means I stop doing the creative stuff that I want to do. When I'm depressed, I get too perfectionist about my writing and it becomes a good day when I can write even a paragraph without beating my head against my bedroom wall.
Most frustrating is that I just finished a long term project only to completely screw it up. Worse, I even shot myself in the foot writing a victory journal about it and now I have to redo the entire thing. Bah.
EDIT: Said project may not be a write off! After relieving steam in this journal and reading more of my favourite model horse blogs, I realized that there is hope for my project and better, that this screw up is an opportunity! I just wish I'd gotten pictures... y'know, before the screw up.
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I hope you feel better soon. I'm a master procrastinator too. Whether it's university work, writing, getting some exercise or some unfinished art project, I'll preferably procrastinate despite knowing that doing so ramps up my stress. It's like having a Sword of Damocles over one's head all the time. Keep your chin up, taking time off isn't a crime!
ReplyDeleteI hope so too, it's just bad when procrastination interferes with the goodness of my word as it does sometimes with my art. I'd like to be a trustworthy and honourable person.
ReplyDeleteI'm just scared 'cus I have no rent money and I'm scared my parents won't evac me if I need them to. :(